You lost me at 'turntable'. Right. So ermmm, how does it go? Oh yes, Brace Yerselves Sheila, here it comes!!!!!
Good God people! Has the world gone mad? Who in their right thinking mind would consider an archaic compromised compressed format like vinyl? Next thing the tape deck will be making its re-appearance - the sheer abject raw unutterable horror of it all I am afraid boggles the mind. Despite the facts that tapes are immeasurable superior to records in every way with the sole exception of not having the same ability to be turned into retro hand bags I am nonetheless of the opinion that any grown man, with actual money to spend that does not qualify as pocket money given to him by mommy or daddy, who considers vinyl is demonstrably not suitable to be spending said money on ANYTHING let alone something, God forbid, musically inclined. It's 2013. Vinyl is dead. It sounds horrible, it always sound horrible. Leave it alone in it's trashy cigarette butt filled mouldy grave and move on! Move on!!!
And if anyone so much as mentions the word 'tonearm' I think I might just go ballistic and rip it off and shove it somewhere deeply offensive.
Now peeps, before I am accused of being negative and detractory (a new word I invented just for the occasion) or worse, crusty, from the entire shameful episode that is the mention of vinyl, I have written a comprehensive article on this particular subject. And I further abuse the use of the comma without apology.
"The Jeremy Clarkson Take" (actually fuck Jeremy, I was here first)
If you listen to vinyl you are a pratt who considers himself superior to others because of the format you listen to. You don't understand it and you believe you are hearing crap that you are not even capable of fathoming you hopeless toady nancy boy. You should go out and kill yourself. No-one will care or come to your funeral.
"The Everyman's version."
Vinyl was invented as a format in the 1890's or sometime equally so long ago no one really cares. It was crappy then and it's crappy now. It suffers from compression and a lack of bandwidth - i.e. the ability to faithfully reproduce across all frequencies. The only reason it sounds like anything at all is because you're spending wads of cash on over priced over engineered pieces of kit that are solely designed to make a crappy format sound less crappy. Every time you play your much loved single pressing 'record' you destroy a tiny but of it. Think if this as your musical soul - the same thing is happening every time you listen to snap crackle and pop your soul gets a little blacker and the Devil himself a little happier as you sell yourself down the rivers of self delusion that somehow this 150 million year old crappy technology is delivering something more musical to you than scratching your fingers across a black board.
Well I've got some good news for you sunshine! Wake up and smell the roses - this is 2013. The very FIRST iteration of CD, which is brilliant in every way, kicked vinyls butt onto the scrap heap so comprehensively it didn't realise it was there. Every manufacturer of the 'good old' vinyl brigade abandoned ship like scruvy infested mangy rats in the stampede to the wondrous new digital format that was CD. Who was left behind for vinyl? The answer is no-one!
And yet, now, the salesmen would have you believe there is a revolution? Somehow along the way when vinyl was being (rightyfully) trodden into the fetid steaming horse turd covered track that is the world of hi-fi sales, every one got it wrong? One hundred billion consumers wrong? CD was wrong? And vinyl was right and better all along?
Utter rubbish! No, vinyl is making a miserable attempt at self reincarnation because of one reason only. And that single sole inexorably painful harsh reality filled reason is:.... drum roll please.... money! The current vinyl pushers seeking to distinguish themselves from their competitors in the digital world - well - let's face it, they can't - digital is so good and so cheap - have resorted to the format last seen as popular when the Sun King Louis was frolicking in his palace gardens at Versailles purely because now, with such a shitty horrible format, of course their interpretation of it would sound different and every word ever printed about vinyl, save these words of painful truth, have been issued to lead you down the garden path to hear that which you cannot hear - to delude you into feeling that which cannot be felt and into hoodwinking you with the wool so far over your eyes your testicles are in danger of overheating.
Vinyl. The ultimate expression of just how far away your ears can be led from the reality of that which is music, pure and simple.
The moral of the lesson children, is to never, ever let the facts interfere with a perfectly good argument. Or a free lunch.
